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Monday, December 6, 2010

Letter To Santa

Dear Santa,

Yes it's me again. I swear I've been good this year, so there is no reason to ban me from the community festivities. I promise not to embarrass you in front of your wife and the elves at the mall this year. I apologize for my over-zealous behavior last Christmas season. I only wanted a snippet of your beard as a reminder of our experience together.
Don't let the letter I sent to the editor of the local paper dissuade you from putting me on the Nice List; that was simply an exercise in putting emotion into my writing. You may not agree with my choice of emotion, but that wasn't the point of the exercise. I felt it was necessary to point out the error of their thinking in the planning of a school so near to a residential area already clogged with brats and potential future hoodlums.
And the incident with the firecrackers tied to the tail of my neighbour's German Shepard was simply an experiment on the possible speed that such a breed is capable of. I might need to know such information for a future novel.
It could happen.
The fact that he's bitten me twice was irrelevant.
Please dismiss any notice that my previous employer may have sent your way about the ex lax in the cake served at his retirement party. Considering the constipated look he chronically wore, I figured I was doing him a favor.
As for the bomb scare I am accused of perpetrating at the neighborhood police station, I was conducting research into the response time of their bomb squad. Better that they not know it's a drill, in order for them to properly prepare themselves for an actual scare. I was just doing my duty as a concerned citizen.
All I ask from you for Christmas is a small favor; you simply need to convince Janet Reid that - regardless of the fact that she doesn't represent middle grade/young adult authors - my paranormal MG mystery is exactly what she is looking for in the New Year. It won't cost a dime; I sure you can convince/cajole/bride/blackmail her into such a simple request. And don't think you can squirm your way out of producing these results for me. I have a couple of incriminating photos of you and I on the beach in Belize earlier this year...

Sincerely Yours, Forever and Ever,
Your Sweet Snookums,


Dominic de Mattos said...

Oh dear ... I think its a piece of coal in your stocking this year!!

Even so, I hope you get your wish Cinette! :D

Helena said...

Dear Snookums,
Because you write like Stephen King -- and yes, I confess to reading several of his books -- I've decided to grant you your fondest wishes. Of course my decision has nothing to do with any alleged photos in your possession...

Stina Lindenblatt said...

LOL. Remind me not to get on your bad side.

And while you're at it (once Janet begs to represent you), can you put in a good word for me. I'm sure she'll love my YA novel. :D

Hart Johnson said...

*giggles* Very nice. You don't find Janet just a little scary? Intimidating? I mean SURE, she'd be a blast to have drinks with... (and I confess to having a rejection from her somewhere) but it seems she might eat Middle Grade editors for lunch.

Jemi Fraser said...

lol :) I'm with Stina - I'm staying on your good side too! :)